But Mock... really... how could you have ADHD?

You were an honor student! You were the most easygoing kid!

All true. In fact, I think being smart got me by. Apparently, many girls with ADHD, instead of being hyperactive physically, express it verbally. In other words, via non-stop chatter. And their impulsivity and risk-taking looks like tree-climbing. And a big part of the disorder for many people actually includes something called "hyper-focus," an ability to completely lose oneself for hours in something they actually are interested in. So... there's 8 year old me, up a tree, reading a book. Also? The only thing I ever got in trouble for in elementary school was talking too much.

But what about high school? You graduated with honors! You were a National Merit Scholar finalist!

Little-known fact: I got thrown out of high school. Yes, I managed to turn it around eventually, but I had some rough going there.

But you're not, like, super-disorganized.

A note: this question would only come from someone who wasn't close to me. Someone who, for example, I would tidy up the house for if I knew they were coming over. My car is a mess. My purse and work bag are messes. My desk is a mess. Pretty much anything that isn't official shared household space is a mess. I am, in point of fact, totally and completely disorganized. My mom, husband, and former roommates would LAUGH if they heard someone ask this question.

But it doesn't, like, affect you negatively.

I guess unless you count all the time I have to spend going back to the grocery store for items I forgot, returning home for my phone or purse, going back to the restaurant to retrieve the purse I left draped on the back of the chair, downloading PDFs of forms I need for my taxes that I should have filed away in the first place and now can't find... I haven't suffered too many really bad consequences, like getting audited and not having the paperwork, or actually losing my purse, but it's pretty time-consuming.

But everybody focuses on things they like and avoids things they don't like. 

Yeah, but I'm beginning to realize that it's not to the extent that I do. Other people are like, "Yeah, I don't like folding laundry either, but I can't stand to have it sit there, so I just suck it up and do it right away." I'm more like, "I made pickles and jam and sewed a dress and wrote a poem and read a fascinating article on race relations, but I didn't fold laundry. I'm SO LAZY." And other people are like, "Dude, that's not lazy, you did five times as much as I did." But in my head, I really wanted to fold the laundry, but I just couldn't face it... I couldn't make myself. So since I wanted to do it felt like I needed to do it and still didn't actually do it, I feel lazy.

And you say you rely on lists and calendars. That's just life. Everyone does that.
I know, I know. But perhaps not to the extent that I do. For example, here's the kind of conversation that happens in our house:
Sweetie: Hey, did you get half and half?
Me: No. You didn't put it on the grocery list.
Sweetie: But... we've lived together for 8 1/2 years and I've needed it every week, ever.
Me: It wasn't on the list. You put Cheerios on the list, and I bought Cheerios. Half and half wasn't on the list.

Or...
Me: Where were you?
Sweetie: At the GE meeting. I told you I'd be late.
Me: Did you?

Or...
Me (on phone): Hi, this is Mockula. I'm so sorry, but I'm wondering if I can reschedule, because I didn't realize that I accidentally booked two appointments at once. I somehow had this one on the wrong calendar.

ALL. THE. TIME. I miss appointments, parties, don't bring things I told someone I'd bring... I put on the calendar things like "Get tape and put it in car. 5 pm. Alert 5 minutes before event." And if I didn't, that tape would not get into the car.

But... you do so much! Didn't you write, like, four novels during NaNoWriMo?

Ah yes. But an important thing to note is that although I've done National Novel Writing Month several times, I've never once even considered doing National Novel Editing Month. Because people with ADHD can complete the challenging, creative part of a task, but will stop when it gets to the tedious part. Like when I made caramels, but simply COULDN'T face wrapping them individually. Or made Zadie a dress but didn't put the straps down. Or painted Zadie's room but didn't re-hang the posters. Or, oh, a thousand other things in my adult life.

But speaking of your adult life... you have three college degrees and a good job.
Yep. I'm not saying it has ruined my life or anything. In fact, I think I've been rather successful and am proud of all my achievements. But as I reflect back over it all, I think of the hardest parts, the parts that sucked the most, and they all went like this. "ARGH! I hate this fucking class! I can't believe he sits and fucking GREETS everybody for the first forty minutes. What a waste of my time!" "You know, if I have to make nice with another goddamn sweater-wearing first grade teacher cutting out bears instead of getting right to the instruction, I am going to scream." "I couldn't believe it -- twenty minutes into the class, people were still LOGGING ON, for fuck's sake, so I went ahead and made a whole PowerPoint with animations and pictures of myself about how hungry I was." "I have infinite patience, but I cannot stand these meetings that waste my goddamn time." In one notable impulse-control moment, I remember being asked to "reveal something" about myself with an item in my purse, and I was so pissed off that my time was being wasted AGAIN that I got out my menstrual record chart and cheerfully intoned, "so you can see that here, I was spotting, and the H is for heavy flow days." So I'm thinking that the impatience, impulsivity and frustration with wasted time are perhaps, possibly, maybe just a little, something that is part of my professional life.

I think I have ADD...

and I couldn't be happier! That probably sounds weird. But here's why:

A: it explains a LOT. Like, my "organizational skills." My school performance when I was younger. My reliance on calendars and lists to get anything done. It doesn't make it better, exactly, but to know it's all a part of the same big disorder is actually a relief! I would have described myself as forgetful or scatterbrained, but it's a thing! A few weeks ago, I completely forgot to go to a family function that was important to me, simply because it wasn't on my calendar (well, it was a technology cock-up, actually). I felt awful, and it obviously doesn't make it up to the family members who were hurt that I didn't attend. But, you know... it helps me make sense of it! And that's something.

B: I am a successful-ass adult. So is my husband (who almost certainly has it, too). In fact, the two of us together pretty much have it made. We have a home, jobs, each other, a cool kid, a whole bunch of education... And since what brought this whole thing up is that my kid has it (more on that in another post), I'm kind of relieved! It's like, "Oh no, my kid has this horrible thing! How will she ever cope?" And then to hear that I have the horrible thing... well, it makes it less horrible. How will she cope? She'll make lists, she'll use her smartphone's calendar, she'll fidget... It'll be totally okay. Because like us (and I'm kind of bragging here, I know), she's extra-smart and creative. She'll need our support, but we've got this! We're the coping mechanism kings and queens of the world!

C: To realize it's a thing is to realize that there are treatments for the thing.  I don't think I'm going to jump on Adderal or whatever, but if there are time-management and organizational and meditational and nutritional ways I can address my own spazzy/forgetful/talkative/impatient stuff, I'm going to look into them. Heck, it might improve my life! I get really stressed out when I forget stuff, so it might be a blessing to find some ways to address it.

D: This is the weirdest one, I admit, but I almost feel like... we're all in this together. When it comes to the hyperactivity, that was just the two of them. I'm, like, slothful. But since the attention/distractability issues are all part of the whole shebang, I can join their club! We can all work on being mindful together. It's a family affair.

Anyway, I'm writing this very quickly before band practice, so I'll return to the subject more thoughtfully later.

P.S. Perhaps I should have suspected something before I turned 37. I mean, I *did* author a series of poems called "11 or so songs for a disorganized mind." Ahem.