One of the things I find it hard to come to grips with in terms of Azadeh is what she can and can't do. And, frankly, how much effort I want to put into getting her to do stuff.
For literally years, she's been changing outfits two or three times a day, pulling things out of drawers to evaluate whether she might wear them, and then throwing EVERYTHING in the laundry. I wash her fuzzy winter robe once a week in summer, even though she never ever wears it. It got so that I was asking her to put away her clean, folded laundry, she wouldn't, she'd leave it on the floor, it would get mixed in with her dirty clothes, and she'd put in in the hamper to get washed again, sometimes still folded!
So I decided she could do her own laundry. And with a lot of nagging, begging, bribery, consequences, and some direct instruction, she got it done sometimes. But even when I would dry it, fold it, and take it back to her room, she wouldn't put it away. So I said she could put it away any way she wanted to -- stuff it in drawers -- and it still didn't get done. And then the fighting about doing her wash load got harder, and she wouldn't have socks to wear and... I have given up. I'm doing all her laundry again.
She also hates when I brush her hair, so I bought her the best-reviewed detangling brush I could find. Every day, she combs her hair by running it over the top layer. The underside of her hair never gets brushed. So one night this week, I distracted her with TV and used a bottle of detangler and my wet brush to work out all the tangles. It took 20 minutes, and when I started, the hair looked like a doll's hair that someone had left under a bed for 20 years.
We worry sometimes about what it'll be like when she's an adult. Will she have figured these things out, or will she be a hot mess? Will she ever be able to have a roommate or will she be so difficult (and dirty) that no one will live with her? Lord knows it's hard to afford an apartment on your own as a young person. And that isn't even taking into account the fact that she is still often REALLY really mean.
We do have one -- tentative knock-on-wood -- bit of good news. For some reason, in September, she didn't sleep. She may have had one or two full nights in there, but most nights she either went to bed WAY late, woke up way early, or was up in the middle of the night and needed a snack and to read and... I had done everything I could think of, including making her high-protein bedtime snacks so she wouldn't get hungry in the night, and going back to the expensive melatonin drink she prefers to the regular melatonin. Nothing worked, and we were sleep-deprived, she was sleep-deprived (which makes her crabbier and meaner), and we felt stuck.
Finally, out of frustration, we (mom and I) shot off several emails to various doctors, and they agreed we should try Clonidine. I was to break a tablet in half and give it to her half an hour before bedtime. We had better sleep on five of the twelve days we tried it. Better meaning she might have gone to sleep late, but then she slept pretty well. Or she woke up, but only once and was willing to go back to sleep after being tucked back in. But on seven of those twelve days, it was still pretty miserable. I don't know if our low point was two nights ago, when she woke up at 12:45am -- for the day. Or whether it was the night she woke up at 2, got herself leftover foil-wrapped chicken from the fridge, and messily ate cold chicken in bed until 4 (I had to wash all her bedding. It was horrifying.)
I emailed again. They said I could try a full tablet. I tried it last night, and for the first time in... years? She actually fell asleep without our lengthy tucking-in routine. In fact, when I went in there, she was already out. Tonight I did the tuck-in, but she was asleep before I was finished.
Sometimes I am snarky when it is hard. It is kind of my default. I'll say things like, "I'm going to sell her to gypsies." But like all parents, I love seeing her tucked in, sleeping peacefully, covers rising and falling in a slow, regular rhythm. She looks peaceful, angelic even. I love her so much. And that moment -- watching her sleep restfully -- well, that is VERY rare for me.
Friday, October 20, 2017
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Watch out folks; she's on DRUGS.
Some time ago, I mentioned that I thought I had ADHD. Reading about the symptoms back when Az was diagnosed five years ago (time flies!) was like reading about myself, especially as a kid. But it did strike me as funny that it had never occurred to me as a possibility, and yet I had written an entire series of poems (called "11 or so songs for a disorganized mind") about having trouble focusing.
Anyway, so five years passed! I was trying to get pregnant, then I got pregnant, then I lost a pregnancy and was trying again, then I got pregnant again, then I was breastfeeding... well, it was a long five years. And since none of those situations was amenable to trying medication, it didn't seem like a diagnosis was worth pursuing.
But as you know, I finished nursing this summer, so I went in for an evaluation. The first step was filling out some paperwork and meeting for about 30 minutes with a psychiatrist on a walk-in basis. She went ahead and referred me for the next step, filling out more lengthy paperwork and doing a urinalysis to make sure I wasn't on drugs. (Side note: when I told the receptionist I was back for a urinalysis, she didn't know what I was talking about and I had to try twice. Finally I said "pee test." I try to keep it professional, but there are times it's not useful.)
Anyway, I did the full paperwork thing, and I tried to answer as honestly as possible, even when it bruised my ego ("Do you sometimes annoy others?") or seemed like it might disqualify me from diagnosis ("Do you find it difficult to sit on your ass on the couch all night long?" I mean, that might not have been how they phrased that.).
And after a couple days, I got a text notification that I had an appointment a few days later. Not sure what that was about, I logged onto my account and saw a message that was like "yep, you probably have it." So I went to my appointment, and it was a really long one! I talked to the doctor from 10:20 or so to about 11:45.
There's not that much to share -- just her going, "so what about this aspect of your life?" and me going, "oh, yeah, I'm a hot mess, but I have these coping methods."
She finally gave me the choice -- there are about four different medications, two of which are stimulants. I didn't really know how to choose, so I asked her what she thought was best, and she suggested Adderall.
I've been on it for five days. I'm still considering it a trial, and I'm not making any decisions yet, but I'll share my observations.
First, I'm taking a pretty low dose. I'm considering trying twice as much (the doc said I could!) for a week also, just to compare. So any effects are mild.
The first morning, I felt a little jittery on the drive to work, like I'd had just ONE cup of coffee too many. When she heard about my caffeine intake (four shots of espresso in the morning), she did mention I might cut back. I did the next day. I haven't felt jittery since, and I haven't felt hyper or had trouble sleeping or anything.
I have noticed that I'm as forgetful as ever (and I forget a LOT of things), but I tend to remember what I forgot pretty quickly -- like between 30 seconds and two minutes. I'd say my usual average of remembering is 1-4 hours. I'm forever forgetting my water, my grocery bags, my homework folder, what I was doing in a room, what I was doing next, to get cash for the cleaning lady, to buy salad greens for our weekly potluck lunch. But whereas prior to trying the medication, I'd remember at a time that was really inconvenient (like, I'd have to stay up late, or risking being late for work to remedy the problem), now I'm remembering so quickly that I can easily still do whatever without any negative repercussions.
The other thing I'm noticing is that I'm getting more stuff done. I mean, I always got the necessary stuff done -- dinner cooked, bills paid -- but the stuff that was not entirely necessary? Picking the shoes up out of the hallway? Well, I'd have a hard time making myself do it. I can't even explain why. I'd just be heading to the bedroom with a hamper to put away, think, "I should put those shoes away," and then... the end. I'd think it thirty times and never act on it. I'd forget before I came back through the hallway. And now, I'm just... doing it. I put the hamper away, come back, put the shoes away, then go on my merry way. I told Sweetie about this, ending with "it's just so NOT NORMAL!" He answered gently that it IS, actually, normal. And I was like, "well, not for me!" Funny side note, this newfound ability to do shit has been consistent and has really surprised me. Yesterday I was heading toward the kitchen, saw Lochlan's lunch plate, and picked it up on my way. I heard this voice in my head go, "How do I keep DOING that??!!" I know it's stupid, but it really is a revelation.
Now for the caveat: it's not entirely unlikely that I would take a pill that I was told could help me focus, and then I started acting as if I could focus, taking advantage of my "newfound ability." I mean... yeah. It could be total placebo effect. But whatever, the point of the placebo effect is that it fucking works. Give a bitch a fake aspirin and her headache goes away -- that's terrific! No headache is the upshot of that, you know? So even if this is all in my head, I'm liking it.
I have a friend who's kind of upset about me getting this label and medication. She's being protective of me in a way, but I also think it's a personal thing for her. But she's framing it as I realize I have framed it so often: that I am forgetful and disorganized and messy. That I have piles around the house. And that is it, but I think I downplay it, too. I don't just forget people's names when I meet them: I forget to take my kid to karate even if we go the same day at the same time every week. Sweetie has to ask me "aren't you supposed to be at...?" altogether too often. I have reminders set up on my phone for literally EVERYTHING I have to do, even if it's something I do habitually, but if I leave my phone in my purse, I forget. And my piles... I mean, I don't have like, a pile of grading and a pile of reading. I have piles in every room of unsorted stuff I don't have any idea what to do with.
To illustrate my point, I told her about the blueberries. Two weeks ago, I put some blueberries in my work bag for a snack. I forgot to eat them and didn't notice (because my bag is so messy) until a couple days later. I didn't throw them away right then, because I have to take food garbage outside my classroom. I forgot later. I forgot every time I saw them until the NEXT week, when I again packed myself some blueberries, and when I went looking for my snack, found the previous week's blueberries. Well, guess what? I forgot those, too. They are BOTH -- two week old blueberries and one week old blueberries, sitting in my work bag AS I TYPE THIS. Even though I know a thing has to be done, I sometimes just can't bring myself to do it. I don't really understand why. And that's not the same as having a pile of books next to the bed. That's gross. And I hate that I live like that.
I'm still not getting all the things done I'd love to. I mean, there probably aren't hours in the day. I've thought at least three times this week about getting to the gym, and instead I went to Target, picked up a prescription, got the groceries... But I am getting more stuff done. The laundry is folded. I cleaned out my car. All my grades are up to date.
And I got up before the last paragraph and I threw away the fucking blueberries.
Anyway, so five years passed! I was trying to get pregnant, then I got pregnant, then I lost a pregnancy and was trying again, then I got pregnant again, then I was breastfeeding... well, it was a long five years. And since none of those situations was amenable to trying medication, it didn't seem like a diagnosis was worth pursuing.
But as you know, I finished nursing this summer, so I went in for an evaluation. The first step was filling out some paperwork and meeting for about 30 minutes with a psychiatrist on a walk-in basis. She went ahead and referred me for the next step, filling out more lengthy paperwork and doing a urinalysis to make sure I wasn't on drugs. (Side note: when I told the receptionist I was back for a urinalysis, she didn't know what I was talking about and I had to try twice. Finally I said "pee test." I try to keep it professional, but there are times it's not useful.)
Anyway, I did the full paperwork thing, and I tried to answer as honestly as possible, even when it bruised my ego ("Do you sometimes annoy others?") or seemed like it might disqualify me from diagnosis ("Do you find it difficult to sit on your ass on the couch all night long?" I mean, that might not have been how they phrased that.).
And after a couple days, I got a text notification that I had an appointment a few days later. Not sure what that was about, I logged onto my account and saw a message that was like "yep, you probably have it." So I went to my appointment, and it was a really long one! I talked to the doctor from 10:20 or so to about 11:45.
There's not that much to share -- just her going, "so what about this aspect of your life?" and me going, "oh, yeah, I'm a hot mess, but I have these coping methods."
She finally gave me the choice -- there are about four different medications, two of which are stimulants. I didn't really know how to choose, so I asked her what she thought was best, and she suggested Adderall.
I've been on it for five days. I'm still considering it a trial, and I'm not making any decisions yet, but I'll share my observations.
First, I'm taking a pretty low dose. I'm considering trying twice as much (the doc said I could!) for a week also, just to compare. So any effects are mild.
The first morning, I felt a little jittery on the drive to work, like I'd had just ONE cup of coffee too many. When she heard about my caffeine intake (four shots of espresso in the morning), she did mention I might cut back. I did the next day. I haven't felt jittery since, and I haven't felt hyper or had trouble sleeping or anything.
I have noticed that I'm as forgetful as ever (and I forget a LOT of things), but I tend to remember what I forgot pretty quickly -- like between 30 seconds and two minutes. I'd say my usual average of remembering is 1-4 hours. I'm forever forgetting my water, my grocery bags, my homework folder, what I was doing in a room, what I was doing next, to get cash for the cleaning lady, to buy salad greens for our weekly potluck lunch. But whereas prior to trying the medication, I'd remember at a time that was really inconvenient (like, I'd have to stay up late, or risking being late for work to remedy the problem), now I'm remembering so quickly that I can easily still do whatever without any negative repercussions.
The other thing I'm noticing is that I'm getting more stuff done. I mean, I always got the necessary stuff done -- dinner cooked, bills paid -- but the stuff that was not entirely necessary? Picking the shoes up out of the hallway? Well, I'd have a hard time making myself do it. I can't even explain why. I'd just be heading to the bedroom with a hamper to put away, think, "I should put those shoes away," and then... the end. I'd think it thirty times and never act on it. I'd forget before I came back through the hallway. And now, I'm just... doing it. I put the hamper away, come back, put the shoes away, then go on my merry way. I told Sweetie about this, ending with "it's just so NOT NORMAL!" He answered gently that it IS, actually, normal. And I was like, "well, not for me!" Funny side note, this newfound ability to do shit has been consistent and has really surprised me. Yesterday I was heading toward the kitchen, saw Lochlan's lunch plate, and picked it up on my way. I heard this voice in my head go, "How do I keep DOING that??!!" I know it's stupid, but it really is a revelation.
Now for the caveat: it's not entirely unlikely that I would take a pill that I was told could help me focus, and then I started acting as if I could focus, taking advantage of my "newfound ability." I mean... yeah. It could be total placebo effect. But whatever, the point of the placebo effect is that it fucking works. Give a bitch a fake aspirin and her headache goes away -- that's terrific! No headache is the upshot of that, you know? So even if this is all in my head, I'm liking it.
I have a friend who's kind of upset about me getting this label and medication. She's being protective of me in a way, but I also think it's a personal thing for her. But she's framing it as I realize I have framed it so often: that I am forgetful and disorganized and messy. That I have piles around the house. And that is it, but I think I downplay it, too. I don't just forget people's names when I meet them: I forget to take my kid to karate even if we go the same day at the same time every week. Sweetie has to ask me "aren't you supposed to be at...?" altogether too often. I have reminders set up on my phone for literally EVERYTHING I have to do, even if it's something I do habitually, but if I leave my phone in my purse, I forget. And my piles... I mean, I don't have like, a pile of grading and a pile of reading. I have piles in every room of unsorted stuff I don't have any idea what to do with.
To illustrate my point, I told her about the blueberries. Two weeks ago, I put some blueberries in my work bag for a snack. I forgot to eat them and didn't notice (because my bag is so messy) until a couple days later. I didn't throw them away right then, because I have to take food garbage outside my classroom. I forgot later. I forgot every time I saw them until the NEXT week, when I again packed myself some blueberries, and when I went looking for my snack, found the previous week's blueberries. Well, guess what? I forgot those, too. They are BOTH -- two week old blueberries and one week old blueberries, sitting in my work bag AS I TYPE THIS. Even though I know a thing has to be done, I sometimes just can't bring myself to do it. I don't really understand why. And that's not the same as having a pile of books next to the bed. That's gross. And I hate that I live like that.
I'm still not getting all the things done I'd love to. I mean, there probably aren't hours in the day. I've thought at least three times this week about getting to the gym, and instead I went to Target, picked up a prescription, got the groceries... But I am getting more stuff done. The laundry is folded. I cleaned out my car. All my grades are up to date.
And I got up before the last paragraph and I threw away the fucking blueberries.
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