Big kid update

My big kid struggles. For those of you who haven't heard or don't know or whatever, the sequence of events was... something's up with my kid. Maybe it's sensory processing disorder? Nope, ADHD. What else, though? Autism. Also anxiety. Also depression. 

We've been through a lot of therapy -- ABA and talk therapy -- and tried different medications, and the newest one is Abilify. He says it makes him feel really flat and "meh," but he's also done a few things, so I don't know whether it's better or worse than the Zoloft, on which he was having intense raging freak-outs twice a week. I don't want him to feel flat, but for harmonious home life, it's certainly better than rage. Still, we're considering it a trial run, checking in with therapist tomorrow, and willing to change. 

At the moment, the kid is non-binary. That seems to be more or less what they've been for most of three or so years, although before this, they spent about two months insisting they were definitely a guy, so we're just going with the flow. They want to be called "it" for pronouns, but I'm not down with that -- too dehumanizing. 

They are failing 7th grade, which sucks, but also, pandemic, so who cares? We're surviving. And frankly, the kid knows the majority of what they're teaching already, and the school is pretty unlikely to hold anyone back, so... we're playing that by ear, too. 

Sometimes the therapist is like, "you just have to make the kid do stuff -- they won't do homework? Take something away, or offer a reward." And I get it -- that IS what you'd do with most kids. But we've been living with ours for twelve years, and there's just not a lot that can be done. If they won't get a reward for doing what they don't want to do, FUCK the reward. There is no reward on earth worth it. If we take something away, they have such a suicidal homicidal meltdown there's a decent chance someone will end up hurt or locked up. Like, oh, hah-hah, having a little tantrum, eh? No, the kid does NOT CALM DOWN. 

It reminds me a little of the sleep training methods where you are supposed to let them cry, come comfort them, back off, let them cry, come comfort them... most parents report that the kids are asleep within like 20 minutes. Ours cried for four hours. The kid is intense, and always has been. 

The other option is that you take something away, and they decide they don't care about it one whit, and fuck you. There just really is no winning in a battle of wills with this kid. I don't have it in me. 

Before I became a parent, I read an article about a couple whose autistic son, as he got bigger and older, had rages and hurt them, or threatened them, and they were at the point where they thought he was going to be institutionalized because they couldn't keep themselves safe around him. 

I remember thinking that it sucked, but thank god it was such a rare and unlikely situation. Now I wonder just how close we are to the same decisions. Not close, but not as far away as I'd like, either. 

They're a brilliant artist. They love talking to their friends on Discord. Sometimes they laugh so uproariously that Sweetie and I smile at each other. They love to go on walks and swing in the park. They can be really sweet to kids, including sometimes their little brother. They are passionate about injustice, and angry when people don't wear masks in public. 

They consistently decline our invitations to watch a movie together, play a board game... 

If we do something as a family, they keep their headphones on most of the time, or complain bitterly about the experience and beg us to leave early. 

Occasionally I get a hug. Mostly I don't. 

Happy New Year!

And to 2020? Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you. 

I know dates like this are kind of arbitrary, and yet I always have thought of the new year as a time to reflect a little and look forward a little. 

It's been a nice vacation. We got the kids out of the house a couple times, including on a nice nature walk today at Effie Yeaw. I sometimes don't know what to make of Kai -- for a brilliant kid, Kai really isn't a great communicator. But I mentioned going to Sutter's Landing today, because it had been a tradition for the two of us. And he said that's exactly why we shouldn't take Lochlan there. We should go somewhere else to keep the tradition as it was. 

At first, I was a little hurt that he couldn't expand out tradition to include his little brother, but then I thought that for Kai, that probably is a way of saying that the two-of-us time was special and should be preserved in some way. I'm okay with that. 

Sometimes I worry that I'm not that great at communicating something myself -- like, I'm such an enormous super-fan of my friends, but also, sometimes I don't reach out much or spend a lot of time with them. But a friend who moved away many years ago is moving back here, and will be close by. So (with permission from our mutual friend who has been facilitating the long-distance move) I've been secretly going over there and cleaning (with Mom's help), putting in shelf liner, assembling flat-pack furniture, a little light caulking... in the hopes that I could help take a load off her and make it a welcoming, kid-ready home. It feels good to do this for her, because showing up with an allen wrench and some CLR is one way of showing love, I think. 

As always, I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but there are lots of things I'd like to do and pursue and learn. I looked up beginning guitar classes, arranged the garage to have space to work out at home, bought some vitamins that will be delivered next week, scheduled a mammogram, and thought a little about my consumption of goods (I honestly like to shop, and the pandemic has made it feel really easy to just have stuff delivered to the door). 

My cousin remarked on how much my uncle enjoyed my songwriting the other day, and I feel a little like I ought to honor that by writing some songs (there have been several sitting in my brain's back pocket). I would like to correspond more with my friends and family. 

I don't really want to focus on losing weight, but it doesn't hurt to make sure that I'm remembering Michael Pollan's advice: eat food, not too much, mostly plants. 

I might try to remember to use nighttime moisturizer, as I turn 45 in less than two weeks. 

My mom made split pea soup today, which is always our "lucky" New Year tradition (disrupted somewhat in the last few years). It was nice to share a meal, to imagine a positive future, to eat delicious soup, to laugh at funny memories together. Kai wants to learn to make the garlic bread with me. 

I am called for bedtime reading. 

Happy New Year.