New Year a-coming.

Well, I'm on vacation, which is the main reason for the post -- I feel relaxed enough to sit down and write without thinking about how I need to fold laundry instead.

But it's a good time to reflect, as well. My uncle's memorial was today, and I am deeply sad that I'll never get to go "jam" with him again, but I also have enjoyed seeing the new babies in the family, learning of more on the way, and getting to hug and talk with and even laugh with my aunts and uncles and cousins.

I have one uncle -- my OTHER favorite uncle -- who really wears his heart on his sleeve. I mean, none of us are stoic, exactly (my dad tries real hard), but if there was a myth or a sci-fi story about the figure whom the town relied on to express all their emotions, this would be my uncle M. And there's a certain extent to which it makes everyone nervous or uncomfortable -- even me! I cracked a dark joke to him the other night ("I thought I would be the first to go." "So did we! There was money on it.") to cheer him up. But you know, a couple years ago I heard a song, by 90s One-hit wonder Lisa Loeb, of all people, in which she sang, "Feel what you feel." And I burst into tears in the car! I remember thinking how nice it was to be told to just go ahead and feel your feelings, not feel guilty or bad or busy or whatever else. Since then I've been trying to "feel what I feel," and let others, too. It's okay for Uncle M to feel what he feels, even if they are big, messy feelings. He lost a brother, a good man. Grief is the right feeling for right now.

Sigh. Anyway.

The kids have both changed a lot this year. This time last year I was just deciding whether to enroll Lochlan in early kindergarten. I talked and thought about it and decided I would not. I was worried about his ability to focus, his complete lack of interest in learning to read, his kind of shaky motor skills... I made the decision just about one year ago. And it's not as though I didn't question it! Two friends whose kids are both a couple months younger than Lochlan decided to do early kinder, and I wondered whether I was holding him back. But we've spent another year with a deeply caring preschool teacher, another year of short days, another year of long hours playing with Grandma, and a lot of those skills I was worried about are falling into place naturally.

He almost certainly also has ADHD. He can focus for HOURS on things he's interested in. In fact, he's pretty advanced at playing Legos*, and he will sit and play chess with me (a beginner version with a lot of assistance) for 40 minutes, easy. But if I ask him to get his shoes on and he sees a dinosaur toy on the way (or hell, *thinks* of a Pokemon), it's toast. There's no way he'll remember he was getting shoes. I'll ask him to put pants on, he'll want to talk about dinosaur facts, I'll ask him to put pants on, he'll go to his room and say, "Oh! My carnotaurus!" "What are we doing right now, Lochlan?" "I don't know, what?" "Pants." "Oh yeah! Pants!"

He has his rotten moments, like any kid, probably, but he's the most empathetic, kindest kid I've ever met. Last night, he wanted to pass on his turn rather than taking my king, because he was worried I'd feel bad if I lost. Tonight, he thought I looked sad, and he followed me to give me a sip of his milkshake.

Azadeh has changed a lot, too. She's become... easier. Mostly. I mean, pre-teenage-hood has hit, and sometimes her mood swings are a lot for her (or anyone in a 5 mile radius) to handle, but she's also more willing to clean her room a little, or get ready for school, or do the little things we ask. We got a cat the weekend after Thanksgiving, and although she never showed much interest in our existing cat, she's really enamored of the kitten, Hetty. She always wants the kitten to sit in her lap, gives her toys, looks for things the cat might like in the store, and asks whether she's doing things right, like encouraging the cat to be gentle. She even guides Lochlan (sometimes not so gently) in how to treat the cat. I think she sits still more often just so the cat will sit with her!

She still has a tendency to be negative about most things, but she's been more enthusiastic about things too, like which middle school she'll go to, or learning to bake. Tonight I asked if she'd help with dinner, and she said sure. Then I TRICKED her -- I told her how to cut the onion, the celery, the carrots. I told her when to add the noodles... And all the while I pretended to be busy with other things. Oh, I stirred, added salt, and did a few other small things, but basically she made the whole soup. I even made her taste it for seasoning and test the noodles for doneness. At the end I told her she had made the soup, and she was surprised and proud. Later, she apologized to the rest of us for the big pieces of vegetables, and I said I liked it, that it was "rustic." She asked what that meant, so I said they were hearty and not fussy. She said, "Thanks for making 'you're bad at chopping' sound like a compliment.'" I could tell she was really tickled, though (and the soup was good!).

I'm not really ready for any kind of year-end review, but I'll be glad to put 2019 to rest. If I have a resolution, it's going to be that instead of fretting about every political thing that comes my way, I'm going to focus my energy as much as possible on ONE useful thing, and I think that thing is going to be voter registration. I may even do a voter registration drive with the students. Heck, they can get service hours.

All right, take care. Do good. Feel what you feel. Tell people you love them so they know, just in case.

*He can put the Legos together from sets for kids older than him, and although I help by sorting out the pieces he needs next, he does the building. He can even put them together with the piece he's building oriented differently than the one illustrated in the instruction book (which I cannot!). It makes me think he must have pretty decent spatial skills. The only thing is, if it has wheels, he wants to put the wheels on RIGHTAWAY. Like, he'll put the wheels on five or six steps early. I don't know why -- he's just ready for wheels!