My Ántonia

So, I mentioned sort of offhand in the last post that my Sweetie is a trans woman. And that's somewhat new, and I hadn't mentioned it before, so I probably owe an explainer.

Earlier this year, I asked if she might be trans -- not really expecting the answer to be yes, but sensing that something was wrong or off, and looking for some answer, no matter how apparently out of left field.

She did not, in fact, answer "yes." She answered "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT???!!!!" about 17 times over the next several days.

And then after some time had passed, we had a Very Serious Talk.

Interlude: my Sweetie is an intelligent, eloquent, articulate, clear and concise speaker. Until it comes to saying things that might hurt someone's feelings. Behold the conversation we had in the tent last week.
Á: Is that your red light?
Me: What? No, I have my white light on. Hang on. I don't see a red light. Do you still see it? 
Á: I mean... I meant... Are you using your red light on your headlamp?
Me: No. I'm using the white one.
Á: I know. It's really bright.
Me: OOOHHH! You want me to use the red light? Yeah, I got you. (The white light was too bright and had been bothering her, but she thought "Could you switch to your red light, please?" was too demanding and rude.)


So this is how we ended up having a conversation where we walked away, her thinking she had told me she was a trans woman and me thinking she had told me she didn't want to compete with other men anymore because toxic masculinity is bad. (It is possible I didn't want to hear her message.)

It took one more serious conversation for me to get it.

Most of the rest of this writing is going to focus on how good everything is and how all is well between us and what a not-big-deal it was, ultimately. But for the sake of honesty, it felt like a pretty big fucking deal for a couple days, and I lost some sleep over it. The scariest thought I remember having is, "Well, if anything would lead us to divorce, this would do it."

Also, this realization/revelation was causing HER a lot of anxiety and pain, so I sort of demanded that she go see a therapist to talk some of it through.

She did, and I don't think that was easy. And that sort of got the whole ball rolling -- she's seen medical doctors, etc. since, and is well on her path through transition. Although transition makes it sound like there's some end point where she'll be a woman in a way she is not now. That's not right. She's a woman already. But she will undergo some physical transformation and legal changes, and those may help the world see her as she is already.

Anyway, if you're wondering, YES OF COURSE it was an adjustment. Things I took for granted are changing. One day the dark hair on her arms was gone (shaved off). It seems like nothing, but I remember being really surprised by it.

But here come some of the positives: her therapy, which she has continued, has really helped her deal with her anxiety. I've even heard her coaching Azadeh on what to do with intrusive thoughts. She's more patient, more relaxed, more at ease in social settings. She smiles more (like, a LOT more). She even cuddles more.

She has shared her new name at work and with our friends and family. Although I was trepidatious at times, we have had overwhelmingly positive feedback.

Even the kids are pretty well adjusted to it. Instead of Papa, she's now Poppy. Lochlan saw us arrive at swim lessons and happily announced, "Poppy! My Poppy's here! I have two mommies!" Azadeh is even more consistent than we are sometimes at using the correct pronouns (although this was more noticeable even a few weeks ago -- she and I rarely slip anymore).

One of the phone calls she made was to her oldest sister (I sat in the room for moral support). To fill some time in what I think was a surprised silence, she started telling a long story about Leroy Jenkins.* But she also told her sister that she'd first realized she was a woman in 2016.

I heard that needle-scratching sound in my head. I thought my question -- the one to which she answered, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT???" -- was the catalyst, and that she hadn't realized or thought about it before. Later on, I asked her about it. No, the 2016 date was correct. But she went online and read about how incredibly many marriages are ended by the revelation, and had more or less decided to just be unhappy and hide it from me (and the world) forever. But, she went on, she had gotten to a pretty low place. She didn't think she could continue to live as a man, hiding her real self, but she also didn't think she could live as a woman. The implication was pretty clear to me, and I'm glad we were able to get past that.

Things won't always be easy. One of my biggest fears is that she will face violence or harassment in public, and that will probably never subside much. There are still things to learn to navigate, too. Last night I was reading some old blog posts with pictures of her with a shaved head and captioned "Zadie with her Daddy." When those Facebook memories come up, can I still share them, or will they make her feel bad?

But you know what? We are keeping the lines of communication open, having really hard and honest talks sometimes, and when I want to know that, I'll ask her.

A funny idea popped into my head today. A nerdy band I like called They Might Be Giants came out with a song many years ago called "Why Does The Sun Shine? (The Sun is a Mass of Incandescent Gas.)" It's upbeat and catchy. Then, after the science was updated, they wrote a jazzy new song, "Why Does the Sun Really Shine?" "The sun is a miasma of incandescent plasma. The sun's not simply made out of gas... Forget that song: we got it wrong."

In some ways, our recent changes feel like that. The sun is vitally important to us, right? No life on earth without it. This science is a groundbreaking revelation! The very sun is not what we thought it was! But also, the day before they figured it out, the sun rose and set, and the day after, it did, too.
Understanding that someone isn't what you (and they) mistakenly thought doesn't mean they changed.  My Sweetie, my Ántonia, is still the generous, loving, supportive soul who has made me laugh until I lose my breath more than anyone else on earth. She's still the person who believes in me more than I do. She's still the loving parent of our two kids. I am glad to know more about her. I am wildly glad she is happier than ever before. I'm grateful we get to grow into the future together, and that I can know and love her real self.


*Essentially, Leeroy Jenkins is the story of someone who rushes headlong into something in a foolhardy way. I think she was expressing to her sister that she wasn't rushing into anything.