Big kid update

My big kid struggles. For those of you who haven't heard or don't know or whatever, the sequence of events was... something's up with my kid. Maybe it's sensory processing disorder? Nope, ADHD. What else, though? Autism. Also anxiety. Also depression. 

We've been through a lot of therapy -- ABA and talk therapy -- and tried different medications, and the newest one is Abilify. He says it makes him feel really flat and "meh," but he's also done a few things, so I don't know whether it's better or worse than the Zoloft, on which he was having intense raging freak-outs twice a week. I don't want him to feel flat, but for harmonious home life, it's certainly better than rage. Still, we're considering it a trial run, checking in with therapist tomorrow, and willing to change. 

At the moment, the kid is non-binary. That seems to be more or less what they've been for most of three or so years, although before this, they spent about two months insisting they were definitely a guy, so we're just going with the flow. They want to be called "it" for pronouns, but I'm not down with that -- too dehumanizing. 

They are failing 7th grade, which sucks, but also, pandemic, so who cares? We're surviving. And frankly, the kid knows the majority of what they're teaching already, and the school is pretty unlikely to hold anyone back, so... we're playing that by ear, too. 

Sometimes the therapist is like, "you just have to make the kid do stuff -- they won't do homework? Take something away, or offer a reward." And I get it -- that IS what you'd do with most kids. But we've been living with ours for twelve years, and there's just not a lot that can be done. If they won't get a reward for doing what they don't want to do, FUCK the reward. There is no reward on earth worth it. If we take something away, they have such a suicidal homicidal meltdown there's a decent chance someone will end up hurt or locked up. Like, oh, hah-hah, having a little tantrum, eh? No, the kid does NOT CALM DOWN. 

It reminds me a little of the sleep training methods where you are supposed to let them cry, come comfort them, back off, let them cry, come comfort them... most parents report that the kids are asleep within like 20 minutes. Ours cried for four hours. The kid is intense, and always has been. 

The other option is that you take something away, and they decide they don't care about it one whit, and fuck you. There just really is no winning in a battle of wills with this kid. I don't have it in me. 

Before I became a parent, I read an article about a couple whose autistic son, as he got bigger and older, had rages and hurt them, or threatened them, and they were at the point where they thought he was going to be institutionalized because they couldn't keep themselves safe around him. 

I remember thinking that it sucked, but thank god it was such a rare and unlikely situation. Now I wonder just how close we are to the same decisions. Not close, but not as far away as I'd like, either. 

They're a brilliant artist. They love talking to their friends on Discord. Sometimes they laugh so uproariously that Sweetie and I smile at each other. They love to go on walks and swing in the park. They can be really sweet to kids, including sometimes their little brother. They are passionate about injustice, and angry when people don't wear masks in public. 

They consistently decline our invitations to watch a movie together, play a board game... 

If we do something as a family, they keep their headphones on most of the time, or complain bitterly about the experience and beg us to leave early. 

Occasionally I get a hug. Mostly I don't.