First, I keep forgetting to mention that at the antiques fair Mom and I went to a couple weeks ago, the funniest things they had were antique "rectal dilators," basically butt plugs for medical uses. There were about four. I have no use for something like that, but I bet somebody is scanning ebay for that kind of thing right now.
I had to spend about half my day today trying to dissuade one of my students from paying the $25 "author bio" fee and $50 book fee to get a copy of a poetry anthology that her poem was being published in, as she was a "semi-finalist!" I've read a lot about those things on the web, so I know perfectly well it's a scam, but had a really hard time convincing her, and when I finally did, she was sure they could be sued for misrepresenting their business. Probably not. In the meantime, entertain yourself with some of the other poems that were considered good enough to be semi-finalists. One of my favorites is below, and there are a bunch more at this web site.
Nicky Nacky Noo
Tum tum tum de tum
This is apoem I sings a lot
to make me very vary hapy.
I fink it will look good on a poster two.
and a cofey mug to shows my frineds
at work so they no i am an internashunal
poet who mite even winz a prise!
Then i wuld be vary famus
and hav lotz of muney
wich wuld be vary funny
coz some of them sayd I was
eliterite wich sucks
(I hopes I can say sucks, if not
please put a defferent word instead.)
and also I just sore the poem
has to be 20 lines long so
I am counting the lynes again.
This is line nienteen
and this in number twenty. Thanx. The End
-- Stephen Abutlol
And finally . . . I am an idiot. I'm talking to a co-worker's wife at the staff party Friday, and find out that she lives kind of near me. She's six months pregnant, and very sweet (if, frankly, a little simple), and as soon as she tells me her cross streets, I bust out with "Oh, I know right where that is. That's close to where that shooting was. Oh, yeah, there's been all kind of stuff going on around there. I just read that the Stop and Shop on the corner was robbed, and then there was the pipe bomb that got thrown through that guy's window just a couple days ago!"
Yeah, as I'm saying it, I'm watching her face drop in shock and horror, watching her hand find her belly and wrap protectively around it. In fact, I kind of have an out-of-body experience, watching myself in slow motion saying all this shit, and I'm silently screaming "Stop, stop!" But I can't, I just keep telling this pregnant woman that she lives in a neighborhood ridden with violent crime. Lovely. What an idiot I am. I'm a jerk.
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